(no subject)

watching her as she just floats by, playing with her hair,gettin real high.
parents wont accept her , she cant stop wondering why.


I went to my parents house today to try to move back in/ fail.
they say i have to do it their way and comb out my hair and take out my plugs so i can get a "better" job.
they say i have to "wash my self up" hellllo i fucking shower all the time, and wash my hair more often then i should and thats why my dreads look like shit.
it hurts so bad when your own parents wont help you out.after youve had your eyes opened and know what you have to do./ and kno0w that it DOESNT DOESNT DOESNT DOESNT DOESNT have to involve combing out your hair, or dying it one color, or stretching down your ears. its just what they want.

I told my mom today that  im not doing good that i dont get enough sleep, im always tired because i cant stop thinking about dying and i get really bad anxiety, and i keep thinking about my parents dying sooner or later, and me not having a good relationship with them, and not being able to fix it and once they are gone, thats it, ill have to live with it, and it makes me so upset because all i want is them to love me, i just a nice relationship with my mother, deep down i really do love her,shes beautiful, i can only hope my skin is as nice and smooth as hers when im 41, and still skinny, shes so talented, im so luckyto have inherited some of her creativity. idk what id do without it. She is so strong, i admire her so much for having a baby when she was 20, and after my ral dad even left her, she could have given me up but instead she worked her as off to take care of me, and my (step)dad i prefer him to be my real dad because he also stepped it up and took care of me even though im not his biological daughter. I JUST WANT A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP with them! idk why this cant happen. it breaks my heart.



I just thought id take a shortcut, i got lost out at sea.
ive been to many demensions, yet i cant draw in 3.

my mind keeps getting away from me,
my soul keeps trying to set itself free.

im hiding from myself, and i am the one to blame.
life is one long journey, and its driving me insane.

i try free my mind, and so i escape to my dreams.
hoping you come to save me, cant you hear my screams?

ive been crying myself to sleep almost every night,
hoping that tomorrow i will finally see the light.

and then my self mutalation gets to me real fast.
leaving me to wonder, how much longer will i last.
  • Current Music
    The Jungle Jazz Initiative having band practice

(no subject)

What happens if.. i grow up tomorrow?

Im afraid to grow up.

i need a good job. or more hours.

im so horrible at managing money.

i have to find a place to live.

Im pretty sure my boyfriend officially hates me.

sometimes i dont feel like im alive.

I feel like i belong on the road.

Ive moved 11 times in the last 2 1/2 years.

Im not happy in one place for too long.

maybe i just havent found the right place.

one of my best friends moved to maine.

why am i still sitting here in sussex county.

It is beautiful here... depending where you go.

But i certainly want to see more, experience more.



Thought Process.

-Sometimes i leap before i look,most of the time actually.
-Lately ive been asking myself alot of questions.
-Mom, Im sorry you didnt get the daughter you always wanted.
 .You deserve so much better than what i give you.
 .We have plenty of differences, and i dont tell you how much i really do love you.
 .But THANK YOU for the creativity i have obviously gotten from you.
 .You should EMBRACE your daughter, for the dreams she has, for the things she creates.
 .The LAUGHTER, the SMILES she can bring to peoples faces. you should be PROUD
 .I know you think I NEVER listen, but i do.
-Im a LOST soul.
-I dont know where im going, but i know where ive been.

-When i find the right place i know The Sun will Shine, and the happiness will rain.

-Sometimes i ask myself why cant i be like everybody else.

-Why do i have to know so much, but still know not enough

-I reminisce about being young everyday. There was no worries.

-School, wish i was there.

-Id live in the woods if i could.

-The dreams ive been having, have been trying to tell me something.

-I cant get the relationship i have with my rents off my mind.

-Im running out of time.


  • Current Music
    NCIS & joeys snoring